To establish my background: As a very young child, I had a relationship, knowing about a Higher Source before I was trained, brainwashed, that Higher Source / Divinity only existing in a certain buildings under a certain dogma which I was incapable to interpret. OK, it was Roman Catholic. I grew up at a time when we were not encouraged to read the Bible as we were not intelligent enough to understand. Catholics did not own nor have a Bible in their home. Part of the liturgy of the Mass was a reading to us sections of the Bible and then giving us the explanation or significance. The members of the church were treated intellectually as less than children.
I gave up my religious upbringing for the love and the harmony of my marriage. Thus the ‘void’ began which was my personal growth opportunity.
1st stage was damnation.
2nd stage was looking for another religious structure as a replacement.
Stage one: This was damnation. The dark night of the soul. Vague feeling of having committed sins beyond redemption. But what exactly were these unredeemable acts? It took me awhile to decide to search my memory, itemize, and shine light on my transgressions. But, I did. As an adult, now, looking at my specific transgressions, I was amazed. My dignity was pricked. Those things in my life were not evil and beyond my acceptance of being human.
So, accepting myself as one who made human mistakes, I could forgive myself and know the Higher Source I knew as a child was OK with me. Then came the realization that I had been brainwashed. Being led by the power and control of religious institutions / dogma, I had given away my sovereignty to an establishment that claimed my hold on salvation.
Stage two: This was the void. The search for a spiritual vehicle to replace the religious dogma and ritual I no longer participated in. I felt something missing in my life; not feeling whole, not belonging, not having a Savior.
How did I emerge out of the void? By looking, searching for a replacement. Tried different churches and read different books on theology, philosophy, spirituality, and metaphysics, astrology, tarot, etc. The churches provided no vehicle for me to connect personally with Source. Someone always knew better than I how I would connect to my spiritual self. Books brought new idea of connections outside of set dogma; Looking within in order to know, edit, and align.
Realization of ‘how could I have given my soul to those of power and control and give up my sovereign / personal relationship with Divinity, ’ left me alone in my personal relationship with Divinity / Source in which I am empowered.